“If I don’t tell you, then it can’t hurt me!”
–Jenn Awa
The secrets in the family that no one speaks about and the generations that it continues to tarnish. The relationships that practice intimate violence behind closed doors. The shame you carry with you when you have been violated and you internalize and blame yourself for what happened. If only…….. The fear of letting others know what has happened to you or what was threatened upon you. Young people whose innocence is stolen from them and the individuals that silently die inside, who lose their faith in others, and who won’t ever trust that way again. Sexual assault is that nasty festering wound that exists in our society; it is glamorized by the media, mislead in the news, used as a tactic in war, swept under the carpet by families, churches, and other institutions, and most often silenced.
“Every 98 seconds an American is sexually assaulted.” (Rains.org)
Sexual assault touches all of us: women, men, transgenders, black, white, brown, yellow, straight, queer, gay and everyone in between. Sexual assault is when someone has unconsenual sexual contact such as attempted rape, touching or fondling someone in a sexual way, forcing a person to perform sexual acts, and rape. The f@#$ed up part is that sexual violence is highly under reported, often the survivor is re-assaulted by the judicial system, and never mind that the first 3 areas that I mentioned almost never get reported. Unfortunately, many people don’t know the definition of rape and believe that it is all their fault. If only…….
The FBI defines rape as “penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” (Justice.gov)
This definition was updated in January, 2012, but hadn’t been changed since 1927, to include any gender, the use of an object, inability to consent due to mental capacity, physical capacity, and/or incapacity due to the use of drugs and alcohol. (Justice.gov) Each state has their own legal definition, some expand further then others. Please make sure to look up the laws in your state regarding sexual assault (https://apps.rainn.org/policy/).
The saddest part of rape culture is that we condone it in our society and we perpetuate that violence over and over again. There are things we can do to change this culture though. We can become advocates against sexual violence, help change laws that victimize survivors, report all sexual assault, intervene if you witness sexual assault, and provide compassionate and caring support to survivors.
We can also take care of ourselves too. Survivors of sexual violence can nurture themselves while healing the immediate wounds, with good health by getting the proper sleep, eating foods that will keep you healthy and strong, moving your body and trying to get back to some of your regular routine. Emotional self care can be different for everyone, but the one question we all can ask ourselves is “what do I need right now?” and really listening to spirit, body, emotions, and mind. Listen with an open heart and find what you need to care for yourself. It might be activities that you enjoy, journalling, meditating, being inspired, spending time with people that support and care about you, and/or visiting the places that you feel safe and grounded in. Spiritual self care is really about bringing light back to the black space that has darkened in your soul through love, self acceptance, time, support, validation, healing and finding solace in those quiet moments inside yourself.
To my community of survivors, it is not your fault. I hope you know it was never your fault, no matter what anyone says, no matter who tries to blame you, no matter how invisible they try to make you, no matter how much you blame yourself; It is not your fault. Please be kind to yourself and wrap yourself in kind words, healthy practices, compassion, and love through the pain. I hope you find peace in breaking the silence, sharing your story, forgiving yourself, forgiving them and maybe helping another survivor. My ask to all of you: replace all of the If only……. thoughts with It is not my fault! With lots of good vibes sent your way, it’s not your fault! #squishytalk
SquishyLady